In commemoration of the completely-made-up-by-me Mustache Awareness Week, I have compiled the 1980’s All-Mustache Team. I’ve attempted to not just create a team of the best mustaches but to create the best team that just so happens to be mustached.
Starting Pitcher: Jack Morris
How great was Jack Morris? He led all starting pitchers in the 80’s in wins. And look at that guy, leaning against the dugout railing like that. What a confident, sexy guy. Also of Morris’s 254 career wins 21 of them came with Morris on the disabled list with his mustache sent out on the mound alone.
Catcher: Lance Parrish
Often forgotten behind Hall-of-Famer Gary Carter, Lance Parrish was the second best catcher of the 80’s and the best with a mustache. Along with being Jack Morris’s primary catcher, he was an All-Star 7 times in the 80’s and won 3 Gold Gloves and 5 Silver Sluggers in the decade. He also deserves a ton of credit for being a catcher with facial hair, it gets hot under that catcher’s mask.
First Base: Eddie Murray
Eddie Murray has been frequently overshadowed on 80’s mustache lists by Don Mattingly and Keith Hernandez. Perhaps this was New York media bias, or the fact that Murray was black and hated talking to reporters, but Murray is getting his day now. He had 6 All-Star selections in the 80’s, he won a World Series ring (which Mattingly never did as a player), didn’t abuse cocaine that we know of (unlike Hernandez), and made it to the Hall of Fame (unlike Mattingly or Hernandez). So all those other mustached First Basemen can suck it.
Second Base: Willie Randolph
This kind of goes to Willie by default just because Ryne Sandberg and Lou Whitaker didn’t have mustaches. Willie was pretty good but he’s the clear #9 hitter on this all mustache team. Of course if this team was actually assembled I’d have to imagine that Sandberg would be willing to grow a mustache just to be a part of it.
Shortstop: Robin Yount
Though he only spent the first four seasons of the 80’s as a shortstop, I have to go with Robin Yount over Ozzie Smith. Yount was the better all around player with the better all around mustache. He also won two MVP awards in the 80’s, no other American Leaguer did that.
Third Base: Mike Schmidt
This was far and away the hardest choice to make on the All-Mustache Team, but I’m taking Schmidt over Wade Boggs because of his monster power and multiple Gold Gloves. There are not many elite third basemen in history and Boggs and Schmidt are two of the best ever. I’m not including a DH in this round up because I think the loser of this battle is your natural DH.
Outfield: Dwight Evans
Dwight Evans was an under-appreciated player with an under-appreciated mustache. With his fantastic defense and OBP, Evans would have been a much bigger star in baseball today. And check out that painting on the 1988 Donruss Diamond King card. It would be my dream come true as a baseball geek to have a portrait of myself done as a Diamond King card. What a cool thing that would be to have on your wall.
Outfield: Jim Rice
Jim Rice had his best seasons at the end of the 70’s but he was still one of the best power hitters of the 80’s. He fully utilized the mustache’s intimidation factor and rode that all the way to the Hall of Fame.
Outfield: Andre Dawson
We need a Center Fielder for our team and Dawson is the man. Look at this guy. How would you like to be a pitcher facing him with the bases juiced and a 2-0 count? You wouldn’t. Another Hall of Famer, Dawson was a player of the 80’s with great power and speed but no On-Base-Percentage at all.
Closer: Goose Gossage
With this mustache and the way I waxed rhapsodically yesterday about him, you knew Gossage had to be my closer. I hate some of the non-mustached pictures of Gossage out on the internet, or the baseball cards of him in a Yankee uniform. How perfect is that mustache with that old school San Diego Padres hat? When I was a kid I made a scarecrow on our porch for Halloween and dressed him up in a San Diego Padres hat for some reason. It would have been infinitely more frightening to just have Goose Gossage on our porch.