1980’s Baseball All-Mustache Team

In commemoration of the completely-made-up-by-me Mustache Awareness Week, I have compiled the 1980’s All-Mustache Team.  I’ve attempted to not just create a team of the best mustaches but to create the best team that just so happens to be mustached.

Starting Pitcher:  Jack Morris

How great was Jack Morris?  He led all starting pitchers in the 80’s in wins.  And look at that guy, leaning against the dugout railing like that.  What a confident, sexy guy.  Also of Morris’s 254 career wins 21 of them came with Morris on the disabled list with his mustache sent out on the mound alone.

Catcher:  Lance Parrish

Often forgotten behind Hall-of-Famer Gary Carter, Lance Parrish was the second best catcher of the 80’s and the best with a mustache.  Along with being Jack Morris’s primary catcher, he was an All-Star 7 times in the 80’s and won 3 Gold Gloves and 5 Silver Sluggers in the decade.  He also deserves a ton of credit for being a catcher with facial hair, it gets hot under that catcher’s mask.

First Base:  Eddie Murray

Eddie Murray has been frequently overshadowed on 80’s mustache lists by Don Mattingly and Keith Hernandez.  Perhaps this was New York media bias, or the fact that Murray was black and hated talking to reporters, but Murray is getting his day now.  He had 6 All-Star selections in the 80’s, he won a World Series ring (which Mattingly never did as a player), didn’t abuse cocaine that we know of (unlike Hernandez), and made it to the Hall of Fame (unlike Mattingly or Hernandez).  So all those other mustached First Basemen can suck it.

Second Base:  Willie Randolph

This kind of goes to Willie by default just because Ryne Sandberg and Lou Whitaker didn’t have mustaches.  Willie was pretty good but he’s the clear #9 hitter on this all mustache team.  Of course if this team was actually assembled I’d have to imagine that Sandberg would be willing to grow a mustache just to be a part of it.

Shortstop:  Robin Yount

Though he only spent the first four seasons of the 80’s as a shortstop, I have to go with Robin Yount over Ozzie Smith.  Yount was the better all around player with the better all around mustache.  He also won two MVP awards in the 80’s, no other American Leaguer did that.

Third Base:  Mike Schmidt

This was far and away the hardest choice to make on the All-Mustache Team, but I’m taking Schmidt over Wade Boggs because of his monster power and multiple Gold Gloves.  There are not many elite third basemen in history and Boggs and Schmidt are two of the best ever.  I’m not including a DH in this round up because I think the loser of this battle is your natural DH.

Outfield:  Dwight Evans

Dwight Evans was an under-appreciated player with an under-appreciated mustache. With his fantastic defense and OBP, Evans would have been a much bigger star in baseball today.  And check out that painting on the 1988 Donruss Diamond King card.  It would be my dream come true as a baseball geek to have a portrait of myself done as a Diamond King card.  What a cool thing that would be to have on your wall.

Outfield:  Jim Rice

Jim Rice had his best seasons at the end of the 70’s but he was still one of the best power hitters of the 80’s.  He fully utilized the mustache’s intimidation factor and rode that all the way to the Hall of Fame.

Outfield:  Andre Dawson

We need a Center Fielder for our team and Dawson is the man.  Look at this guy.  How would you like to be a pitcher facing him with the bases juiced and a 2-0 count?  You wouldn’t.  Another Hall of Famer, Dawson was a player of the 80’s with great power and speed but no On-Base-Percentage at all.

Closer:  Goose Gossage

With this mustache and the way I waxed rhapsodically yesterday about him, you knew Gossage had to be my closer.  I hate some of the non-mustached pictures of Gossage out on the internet, or the baseball cards of him in a Yankee uniform.  How perfect is that mustache with that old school San Diego Padres hat?  When I was a kid I made a scarecrow on our porch for Halloween and dressed him up in a San Diego Padres hat for some reason.  It would have been infinitely more frightening to just have Goose Gossage on our porch.


About ronfreeman42

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2 Responses to 1980’s Baseball All-Mustache Team

  1. Steve says:

    Alright Ronnie, I have come up with a complete 25 man roster, plus a manager, of an all star team of 80s players with mustaches, (the best players with mustaches, not the best mustaches) and I tried to make it a workable team, in other words, I don’t have 10 outfielders, and I have lefties in the rotation and one lefty in the bullpen. Also had to have played at least half the decade and put guys in their natural position. I also kept the guys you had as starters but hate to say it but you missed some outfielders.
    Here’s what I got:
    C Parrish 1B Murray 2B Randolph 3B Schmidt SS Yount OF Dw. Evans, Rice, and Dawson. Also have Hal McRae as DH.
    C Tony Pena 1b Mattingly 3B Boggs (If you’d rather use middle infielders, the best I got are Frank White and Bobby Grich, couldn’t really find another shortstop). You missed big on the outfielders though, you forgot Dave Winfield, Tony Gwynn, and Tim Raines. But I’ll only take two of them for a five man bench, as I have 11 pitchers(unless you want to replace Dwight Evans) so I’ll take Winfield and Gwynn.
    Jack Morris, Dave Stieb, Frank Viola, Ron Guidry, and Dennis Martinez (Could have gone a number of ways with the 5th spot, but picked him because he had the best career.) Bunch of guys you could try with the 5th spot, also had Mike Flanagan, Dan Petry, Bob Knepper, Rick Rhoden, Jerry Reuss, Mike Witt, Scott McGregor, and Doyle Alexander. I guess that was the trend in the 80s: Average starters with mustaches!
    Just realized about Alexander: he played for Bobby Cox when he first managed the Braves, played for him again with the Blue Jays, then when Bobby was GM of the Braves when Bobby got him in the Duane Ward trade and then traded him away in the John Smoltz trade. Alexander played for nine teams (and the Braves twice) in 19 seasons.)
    Goose Gossage, Rollie Fingers, Dan Quisenberry, Dennis Eckersley, Willie Hernandez (had to have a lefty, the only other lefty I could find was Al Holland) and Greg Minton (not a big name, but had 146 saves in the 80s, was an all-star in 1982, finished in the top 3 in saves from 81-83, and had a career ERA of 3.10). It was harder filling out the bullpen than you might have thought.
    Manager: Dick Williams (also could have used Billy Martin or Davey Johnson, but Williams is the only hall of famer of the group)
    I think this team would win at least 100 games, tell me what you think. Did I miss someone or would you change someone out?
    Okay, I’ve done this for a while, think I’ll do something else now. Do think that all this mustache awareness is funny.


  2. Pingback: Update! Ryne Sandberg with a Mustache! | I Trust Ron Freeman

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