Throughout human history, the League of Evil Vegetarians have attempted to rule the world through hate and beans. Countering their every move was the Society of Awesome Vegetarians, a ragtag bunch of mismatched vegetarians who relied on their wits and charisma to keep the Evil Vegetarians at bay. Since this has been a centuries long battle many have retired from the fight and rejoined the carnivorous mainstream. This post is to honor our great retired vegetarians.
Once she was America’s most adorable alcoholic but now she is the only star of romantic comedies that not all men hate (unlike Katherine Heigl, Sarah Jessica Parker, or Kate Hudson). Barrymore just wasn’t committed enough to be a lifelong member of the Society of Awesome Vegetarians. One can hardly fault her for wanting out of the brutal battle between evil and awesome, Drew Barrymore certainly isn’t evil but she just isn’t quite awesome. She would have easily been a great member of the Gang of Cute Vegetarians.
I saw Conor Oberst outside of a show one time and he didn’t look like a guy who didn’t eat meat, he looked like a guy who didn’t eat anything. It would not surprise me if he weighed 120 lbs. Oberst was briefly in the Society of Awesome Vegetarians when he released I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning and Cassadega but he defected to the League of Evil Vegetarians when he released Digital Ash in a Digital Urn and Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band. Over the years he has drifted from vegan to vegetarian to pescetarian, that’s the name for people who eat fish but not mammals. In ten years maybe Conor will pick up a turkey leg and put on some weight.
Remember when Janeane Garofolo was cute and funny and part of why Mystery Men and The Larry Sanders Show were great? Now she is all set to co-star in Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior. She must need money. She also used to be a vegetarian but now eats bacon “once or twice a year”. So somehow she was more awesome without bacon, which seems impossible.
Benjamin Franklin became a vegetarian at the age of 16 but gave it up when he was on a boat and someone was frying fish and it smelled delicious. When the fish was cut open Franklin could see smaller fish inside. If this were me I would have said to myself “Dammit! If this fish could go around eating other fish I’m gonna eat the hell out of it!” Of course, Thomas Jefferson never asked me to edit the Declaration of Independence so perhaps Franklin chose his words more carefully when he said of the incident:
…when the Fish were opened, I saw smaller Fish taken out of their Stomachs: Then thought I, if you eat one another, I don’t see why we mayn’t eat you. So I din’d upon Cod very heartily and continu’d to eat with other People, returning only now and than occasionally to a vegetable Diet. So convenient a thing it is to be a reasonable Creature, since it enables one to find or make a Reason for every thing one has a mind to do.”