- Since I am a champion, anything I eat for breakfast is the breakfast of at least one champion.
- Some people say that I have a great beard and that’s all right. Others just tell me I’m really hairy, and I don’t really appreciate that too much. I don’t mind when my barber says it because that’s more of a professional consultation.
- I hate all those hipsters that are so into the nighttime all of a sudden. I loved the night before it was even dark.
- If the world is snobs vs. slobs, I am with the slobs.
- The McRib is a sandwich for those that don’t live within 50 miles of real barbecue.
- How do you know if someone listens to NPR? They begin every other sentence with “I heard the most interesting thing on NPR today.”
- Some people don’t mind having diminished mental capabilities because they have nothing worth thinking about anyway. They just use their brains for holding up hair.
- I have a hard time with motion-sensor paper towel dispensers. I usually move so stealthily that I have to stop moving so ninja-like just so I can dry my hands.
And yes, a few of these have been facebook status updates lately. And this column was inspired by this classic scene.