Aquaman has long been the joke of the Justice League and the suck of the Superfriends. Perhaps we’ve been a little unfair to Aquaman by measuring him and his powers against that of Superman and Green Lantern. If I stop and measure Aquaman’s life against my own it’s pretty easy to see why being Aquaman wouldn’t be so bad.
1. Luxurious Head of Hair
Look at how thick that hair is. I’m sure it takes forever for him to blow dry his hair when he comes on land but it would be worth it. My hair is thin on top and way too thick around my ears, but Aquaman has movie star/TV sports anchor hair. I think if we were honest all our hostility towards Aquaman is rooted in a jealousy of his hair. Even when he grew his hair long and we all made fun of him we were just envious that we could never pull it off.
2. Never Embarrassed at the Beach
The root of American insecurity is how we perceive ourselves on the beach. From the Charles Atlas 98 lb. weekling ads to Cathy freaking out over how she’s too fat for her bathing suit, it’s written into our national consciousness to be embarrassed at the beach. You think Aquaman gets embarrassed at the beach? No.
3. Very Little Crime Under the Sea
He rules 3/4ths of the planet but it’s a pretty peaceful 3/4ths. He sometimes has to deal with pirates or Black Manta but it’s not like there are undersea bank robberies or billionaire dolphins being kidnapped for ransom by a gang of thugs. Batman has it way worse with Gotham City. In fact, there is only one prevalent undersea crime I can think of…
4. Enlightened Attitude About Fish Murder
See all those fish behind Aquaman? Most of those kill and eat other fish to survive. And Aquaman can talk with them. Don’t you think that the small fish routinely try to get Aquaman to save them from the bigger fish? I’m sure it breaks his heart, but he has to say no. Under the sea, millions of fish murders happen everyday, so Aquaman can’t let his emotions get the best of him and try to save every fish in the sea. He understands there is a food chain and creatures need to eat. I bet Aquaman is the only person capable of having real conversations with animals and still capable of eating them. You think he lives under the sea and just eats seaweed and plankton?
5. Green Pants
I wish I could wear green pants but I know I’d look ridiculous. Sometimes I just lie awake at night wishing my pajama pants were green.