The League of Evil Vegetarians

The idea that all vegetarians are evil can certainly be disputed.  After all, we have been graced by some truly wonderful and noble vegetarians like Einstein, Gandhi, and Fred Schneider of the B-52’s.  However, some vegetarians are villains of humanity.  Together in secret, they meet in an underground hydroponic garden shaped like a pentagram.  They tirelessly work towards the extinction of humanity.  Together, they are the League of Evil Vegetarians.

Charles Manson

Let me tell you, reading Charles Manson’s wikipedia page before bed is not a pleasant thing to do.  Also I found out he once served time in the Chillicothe Correctional Institute, a prison I’ve actually been to.  So do I really have to do a review of how evil Manson was?  Pretty unrepentantly evil.  But he didn’t eat meat.  On top of that there is not a single nice photograph of him on the internet.  Every single one of them is creepy. He’s the guy that scares all the other evil vegetarians in the League of Evil Vegetarians.

Jenny McCarthy

Jenny McCarthy is the worst kind of celebrity.  She made a career off of ditzy sex appeal and then pleaded for us to take her seriously once she got too old to keep posing in Maxim. She spent years telling people that childhood vaccines cause autism.  She also dated Jim Carrey for years, an actor incapable of being funny even when you pay him $20 million.  Although they broke up lately and she’s backing down on the vaccines-cause-autism thing (since it turns out her kid never actually had autism).  Of anyone in the League of Evil Vegetarians, Jenny McCarthy has the most chance of reform, if only she’d stop writing books.

Michael “Micky” Madden

Micky Madden is the bass player for Maroon 5, making him the least necessary member of the least necessary band in the world.  He has been apart of some of the most evil songs in music history, including “This Love” and “She Will Be Loved”.  Of course, songs about love are just a front for this band spreading evil vegetarianism through subliminal messages hidden within Micky Madden’s basslines.  But if the League of Evil Vegetarians were anything like the Justice League, Micky Madden would be their Aquaman. Especially since I could see Aquaman as a vegetarian, with the talking to fish all the time.

That Girl You Used to Have a Crush On

Yeah, you remember her.  She was real cute and thought you were funny but she wouldn’t date you because you weren’t a vegetarian.  You asked her out repeatedly but she had strong moral convictions about cruelty to animals.  You even gave up meat for a couple of weeks to try to impress her, but it just seamed like you were trying too hard.  Eventually you became resigned to your singleness and she started dating a tall guy who ate meat and wore a leather jacket.  Oh, it felt like you got stabbed in the gut, didn’t it?  Turns out she just didn’t like you.

Adolf Hitler

Along with suffering from hemorrhoids and acne, Hitler was also evil and a vegetarian. The original founder of the League of Evil Vegetarians, Hitler killed millions of people and stole Charlie Chaplin’s mustache, ruining the “toothbrush mustache” for the past 65 years.  The funniest thing about Hitler’s vegetarianism is how much meat eaters embrace it and vegetarians deny it.  If it isn’t true, it’s a weird legend that persists and shows that humanity really wants Hitler to have been a vegetarian.

Dishonorable Mentions:  Morrissey, Mike Tyson, Pol Pot, and The Cashier at Whole Foods that Won’t Make Pleasant Small Talk When You Buy Meat.